it’s just the voice inside my heart
I am exhausted. Tired of societal pressure making me feel like an inadequate human being when society, in itself, strides on greed in all forms. A society where inhumane behavior, lack of compassion and understanding, lack of respect and kindess is our reality.
I am tired of feeling the need to BE somebody, to achieve great things, to be well off and a part of something delusional and hypocritical. The pressure to be perfect, pretty, rich, and with a career I am unsure I truly want.
We don’t have to be ANYTHING. All we have to be is happy and society has made it perfectly clear that that specific goal is almost unattainable.
I have been wearing myself thin for not much gain. Most of us know how this feeling oh too well nowadays. But i am slowly, but surely, losing what’s left of my mind.
Not eating properly (for a vegan that is crucial). Not sleeping and resting enough (for a fibromyaligic person those 2 are crucial). Not liking what i have to do to survive (for an artist that is crucial). All those things combined lead to an overly emotional, anger-prone, sleepless paranoia that eats you from the inside out and adds a ton of unnecessary stress on top of this already crumbling mountain.
I went through an orientation program, upon my return to Montreal, so to help me figure out where i should be “heading”. Someone like me never has those things figured out, even when they think they do. It’s a constant struggle. Good and evil, arts and sciences. It’s a two year rotation of heavy likes mingling in with all the rest of your random and various interests.
I don’t think i have it in me to hop on that path so late in life. And yes i know it’s never too late etc whatever bullshit people say but i do think that an admission to our faults and the weaknesses in ourselves is certainly a strength not everyone possesses and one that is not hindering but freeing in a way. We cannot all become what we want to, we don’t all have that capacity, it’s unrealistic to assume we do. We cannot all make our wildest dreams come true, because they are dreams and this is not a world built for dreamers, but it’s built to make you believe it is.
I was told today that i could sit but not lay down in a grassy area not far from my building. The area is on a busy street corner in the downtown/plateau area and it is not a fenced area but apparently it is not a public “park”. A “gentleman” came out to tell me this which i then heavily argued (because i cannot just say “fine” and ignore him and go about my day, noooo that’d be too easy). This, a situation so minuscule, senseless and random, should not have caused me to explode all over tumblr. But today it does, because i am tired, hungry, broke and hopeless. My heart is angry at the entire world and it’s rotting my soul.
how dramatic. how fucking childish.
"The meaning of my existence is that life has addressed a question to me. or, conversely, I myself am a question addressed to the world, and i must communicate my answer, for otherwise I am dependent upon the world’s answer."